All couples quarrel. Confrontation is part of life and is inevitable in a healthy relationship, in which both members maintain their individuality. Quarrels are very often therapeutic for the couple and represent an opportunity for growth; sometimes, instead, it seems that fighting does not help to solve problems and does not bring any benefit, but only a useless waste of energy.
So how can we make couple conflict constructive and not an opportunity to hurt the other?
We see 7 practical suggestions on how to make each quarrel an opportunity for the couple to grow.
1 – Do not try to avoid conflict: If something is not good for the couple, it is better to talk about it before it becomes too difficult to solve. It is always better to avoid the “pressure cooker” effect: small toads swallowed little by little often turn into a bomb ready to burst. Obviously, this does not mean harassing the partner with constant complaints, but simply communicating assertively what we think, without necessarily looking for a fight.
2 – Identify the goal: Trying to solve all the problems of the couple in a single comparison is not possible. It is better to focus on one thing at a time, above all avoiding to refer to other issues to gain the right. It is often necessary to ask ourselves first-hand about what is really the problem for us and how we can help the other to understand our point of view.
3 – Keep it in mind: Your goal should never be to humiliate the other or harm him voluntarily. Shouting, offending or insulting others is never a smart way to manage conflict and make it constructive. Respect must come first.
4 – Don’t pretend to be right: Quarreling also means accepting the point of view of the other and perhaps even compromises, when they do not harm our person. One cannot always think of getting what one wants.
5 – Be proactive: It is useless to continue to turn around the problem, it is better to try to propose solutions that can reconcile the needs of both and open up to the proposals of the partner.
6 – Stay on the present: Picking up unresolved issues from the past makes no sense, it does nothing but shift the focus from what are the real objectives of the comparison and make you forget them. Stay on the here and now, on what you feel and live.
7 – Celebrate: When you have finally found a solution, celebrate the milestone you reached TOGETHER.
Managing to manage the conflict in the couple without humiliating and hurting the other, but trying to understand his/her point of view and reaching a compromise with him/her is a fundamental aspect of life for two. Only constructive comparisons represent an opportunity for growth for the couple and favor positive change.